Steps to Forever
by Loreo
Summary: Mockingjay Pre-epilogue. After Katniss arrives to district 12 , the untold journey of how Peeta and Katniss got back together.


**Mockingjay Pre-epilogue**

I wake up to face another day and start heading through the door to get some fresh air. I walk through the same path every day to get to my woods. I stay there for a while, but I don't hunt anymore, at least not for the moment. I wish I could, yet something keeps me from doing it. Someone should be here with me, hunting.

After my normal daily trips to the woods, I head towards Peeta's bakery. He tried for months to convince a few neighbours to help him rebuild it. And he did it, so he spends most of his days there. I enter through the door and I see Peeta already busy. I still on a stool and rest my head on the counter and watch his hands, knead the bread so perfectly. Watch his body gestures moving so flawlessly around the kitchen, knowing every step that needs to be done without any effort. He still remembers.

He catches me staring at him but I'm too embarrassed to look away now.

"Hey," He starts.

"Hi. I was just passing by" I reply, still gazing at him and getting lost in his deep blue eyes.

"Yeah, that's okay. Want to do something after I finish?" He hasn't offered any time to waste with me since his bakery is restored. But I decide I must answer this rare suggestion if I want to get anymore later on.

"Uh, sure…I don't mind"

"Great, I'll tell you when I'm ready to go." And he disappears behind some door in the back.

I look around the room, searching for something to do, until a flickering light catches my eyes. I turn my head and stare into the fire that's right across of me. I watch it slowly bake the bread, with its little waves going all around. I gaze at it for so long, but I'm dying to look away. It reminds me of too much. I slowly lose myself in my memories that should be forgotten yet only seem to come back. All what has happened in the past 2 years; Reaping, Training, Games, Winning, Tour, Train Nights, Start of Rebellion, 2nd Games, Beach night, Bombing in District 12, District 13, Beginning of War, Losing Finnick, Prim and much more innocent people because of me, End of war, Losing contact with Gale and my mother, Weird conversations with Peeta. I'm too exhausted of all this thinking; it hurts. My eye lids start to feel heavy as I slowly close them blocking my memories away. Avoiding this place might be just the right thing I need to do. I gradually depart into my only possible escape.

I wake up from what seems the deepest sleep I've had in a while. I look around me, until I recognize that I'm not at the bakery anymore. I've somehow returned to my house. The only possible thing that could've happened was that Peeta wasn't able to wake me up so he carried me home. I suddenly feel guilty. We were supposed to do something together. I get up fast from my bed, change into some clothes, grab an apple and go to Peeta's house. It's still early for him to be at his bakery.

I knock on his front door. He's an early riser so he should be able to answer it right away. I wait for a couple of minutes but decide to head towards the park; his second favourite place for some peace.

I walk around the park, trying to absorb every fresh scent. I could hear the sweet sounds of birds chirping. I notice a figure sitting on the park bench in front of a lake. I walk towards him, to see Peeta, sitting calmly, eyes gently shut. I take a seat beside him, wondering if I should disturb him.

"Peeta," I begin. He seems sort of surprised to see me. He probably wouldn't have thought I'd go searching for him.

"Oh hi, didn't really hear you coming, you're really light-footed"

I give him a little smile, enough to regain his calmness.

"About yesterday, sor—"

"Katniss, it's okay, you don't have to explain." He cuts me off, unmistakably not happy about what happened.

"No, it's not okay. We were supposed to do something together and once again, I couldn't keep my promise to you, Peeta. It's not okay, so I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, everything is okay. As long as you're okay and I'm okay, it's all that matters." He goes off subjects and I get this sudden urge to ask him how he really is.

"Are you really?" My voice cracks and I feel the water starts to flood my eyes but I'm trying to hold them in, because I can't cry, I shouldn't cry. I'm getting weaker by the day. It's going to break him if I cry. Peeta seeing me cry is the same as a mother seeing her child hurt and I really don't want to worry him anymore than he already is.

He gazes at me, and I look at his blue eyes and start to regret what I've asked.

"Do you really want to know?" He asks me, his voice barely audible, and I can start to see he might have a breakdown as well.

I nod, feeling the lump in my throat about to explode. I know the answer I'm about to get, but I was curious, wanting to hear it from him. No, he's not okay.

"No, I'm not okay," he echoes my thoughts, "I'm trying, I really am, but it's just I miss…I don't—"He stops, unable to continue talking about his pain. I see a teardrop slowly slide out from the corner of his eyes and gently down his face. I couldn't see Peeta get hurt anymore. I've done all this. I've hurt him and I continue to kill him inside. I turn my head so I can allow my tears to flow down freely.

"Katniss, please, don't—"he starts again, but I turn my head and face him and out of nowhere, I hug him. I hug him so tight he stops talking, just like that. He didn't expect it, but he didn't resist either. His arms wrap around tightly and I feel safe again. We haven't touched since the war, though it feels good to be back in his arms, feeling secure. I cry gently onto his shoulders and feel the touch of his lips just about touching my neck, making it feel sincere, just like the night in the capital before the second games. We stay like this for a while, and he whispers "Don't worry, it'll get better eventually". I release my grip.

"Yeah, I know. We'll get back to normal sometime," He gives such a genuine smile that makes me feel better already. I get up and take his hands "and we can start trying from now"

"What are we going to do?"

"Well, anything but sit on a park bench and weep."

He laughs, "Sure, lead me on, but I have to get to the bakery soon"

"I'll keep that in mind. Come on, let's go" I pull him up and we walk towards to my woods, my arms entwined at the crook of his elbow. He seems satisfied. Sometimes I wonder if he still feels the same way about me. I wonder what would've happened if the capitol didn't brainwash him and he just came back safely to me, would I have accepted his love or was I going to continue hurting him, leaving him confused with what was going on with Gale and I.

Gale.

Thinking about him kills me. I miss him, I really do. I would've eventually got on after what he did to my sister, but he just left. He left me hanging. He made my decision for me; that I can't choose between them, not that I wanted to, but I didn't even get the option. What if I wanted Gale? What if deep down inside, I didn't only consider him only as my best friend? What did I even consider him as, back then? Thinking about the past makes me more confused. Did he think leaving just like that, would be okay with me? That I could just move on and pretend he was never part of my life? I need my best friend to go through this. But no, the decision wasn't mine, apparently.

Lost in my thoughts, I didn't hear what Peeta was saying, so he stops walking, "Katniss?"

"Yeah, what's wrong?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"Uh, no, I guess not. Sorry! What did you say?"

"I asked if we could pass by my house before we go, if that's okay I mean!"

"Sure. I just got lost in my thoughts, you know, overthinking. Won't happen again, promise!"

"Thoughts, eh? What's on your mind?"

What's on my mind? Gale. Should I really tell him that? Of course not, that will mentally destroy him. I think of a good excuse, but can't find one. I look around and say the first thing that pops into my mind when I spot a mailbox.

"Uh, I was thinking if I…If I should send my mom a letter, you know, to thank her for…everything she's done!" I blabber.

Peeta smiles, "Right. To thank her! You haven't got any better at lying, you know! It's alright; you'll tell me when you're ready."

When we reach Peeta's house, he goes upstairs to get something from his room, and I examine the living room. It's the first time I come here since what happened. He came to my home plenty of times, but I never left my place, not until the past 2 weeks or so. Gradually; everything will get better with time. Peeta's house is filled with paintings; his family, bread, the old bakery, flowers, sunsets, everything you want to see, you'll find through Peeta's paintings. Just then I notice a room. The door is slightly opened but I see sunlight. I start walking towards it and I place my hand on the door knob. I start to get hesitant. I shouldn't be going through Peeta's home without permission, but curiosity kills. I slowly open the room to find it only occupied with his painting materials; unfinished paintings, brushes, paint boxes, hundreds of different shadings of colors, wooden easels but something grabs my attention. A white cloth covers an easel, hiding a painting. I run my fingers on the soft cloth and look towards the door before I remove the cloth, to check if Peeta's coming anytime soon. I hope he doesn't mind, but I have to see what lies under there. I carefully unwrap the white cloth to only get shocked. Of all the things Peeta could paint, he painted one of us. My memories take my back in time, to the beach. To our kiss; and that's what he has painted. I look beautiful, not like someone who's in an arena. He painted me in my best form. And himself; he's handsome no matter when, whether he's dying or in perfect health. I guess this confirms my thoughts from earlier. He still has feelings for me. He's moving way too fast for me, I still can't give him what he wants. Im not ready for this, I don't want to go any further with this rela—

"Katniss,"

Shocked, I turn around quickly and find Peeta standing by the doorframe. Clearly he's not satisfied about this.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm…I was just…I don't know, I didn't mean to…" Words fail me. My face flushes red from embarrassment so I lower my gaze to the ground and stare at my shoes, wondering what to do next.

"You weren't supposed to be in here, and I could see you already saw things you weren't supposed to see either..." I face him now and cut him off,

"Why not?"

He's shocked; he didn't expect me to cut him off. No one does, not when he's mad.

"Because somethings are personal, including that…"

I interrupt him once more, getting upset as well, so I raise my voice, "Why? I'm in it, so I have the right to—

"No, you don't." He uses the same tone I used, but then he regains enough calmness to say what's next slowly, "It's my stuff. I was going to show you it sometime later on, not now, but you already ruined your surprise."

I don't like the surprise. I've got enough of Peeta for one day. I walk towards the door, go right past him, get to the door, open it and leave. He calls out my name, telling me to come back, that it was okay. But it's not. I know it's not. He kept secrets from me and I don't like that. I know I keep stuff from him too, but it's nothing about him. I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm not searching for one. Just because I need his comfort and company once in a while, doesn't mean that we're together now. No. He has to stop painting me; it's giving him the wrong idea about _us_, if there's even an 'us' anymore.

I get to my home and slam my front door so hard that the whole neighbourhood could hear me; including Peeta. I run up to my room, jump onto my bed and hide my face with my pillows. My pillows, they're always here for me, through the good and bad; when I'm crying, laughing, thinking, and making me comfortable if I have nightmares or even during my best dreams. This time, I want to forget about everything. No Peeta, no Gale, no worries, nothing. I'm letting everything go.


End file.
